14 Mar

I guess I’ve been feeling generally demoralised and disappointed in myself at the moment.

I really fucked up with taking Greek. If I could turn back time, I seriously wish that I had just taken a normal essay based module that I would have enjoyed and done well in. If I don’t do better on the next test and in the final exam, I will have most likely ruined my chances for a 2:1. I’ve resolved that throughout Easter I’m going to try to revise every day, try to do better in the hopes of clawing my marks back up. I got 49% in the last test. If I get a 70% this time, that should compensate for the last two tests where I got thirds. I just hope that I can do it. It’s Latin all over again, but this time it matters.

I was feeling okay about my dissertation (despite time running away from me…) until last night. I sent my second chapter off to my tutor and received it back with loads of comments about things I’ve missed, and I’ve realised that what I’ve written just isn’t dissertation quality. I wander through facts, citing other people, but as Dan wrote “Full of interesting facts, this chapter, but what is your argument? What questions are you trying to answer? Which myths are you trying to debunk?”. Although the feedback is really valuable, I don’t feel like I’m doing well at all. I guess all I can do is make corrections and add onto what I’ve already written. Today, I intend to write my final chapter and conclusion and send those off to Dan as well. I’ll never have been so glad to have finished something in my life. I’m still worried about what mark I will get for it. I’m just hoping for a high 2:1, so that even if I get a bad mark on Greek, I can hopefully persuade them to let me onto the MA course.

The MA course is another issue. If I don’t get a 2:1, I won’t get onto the course. I don’t even know if they’ll even give me an offer yet, but hopefully I’ll find out soon. I think that getting offered a place and then failing to get the grades required would be inestimably worse than not getting offered a place. At least if I don’t get offered a place from the start, my hopes won’t be raised and then dashed. I think the next few months are going to be hell.

I guess my point is, I don’t feel like I’m doing well. If I don’t get a 2:1, I’ve effectively wasted three years of my life and almost £20,000, not to mention all the good marks that I’ve got, all because I thought it was a good idea to take a subject I’m hopelessly bad at and far too lazy to do all the work for. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself if I fuck all of this up. Of all the things I’ve ever hated myself for, this would be the worst.

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